Mirage: A Birthday Reflection

 It's my birthday today.

Rather than ruminating on this event, I’ve been thinking about what to do with myself after I graduate with my bachelor’s in just a few weeks. Change comes with busy-ness: packing, paperwork, tying up loose ends. The concept of no assignments and midterms to worry about, no more classes to rush to, and no plethora of social events to fill my weekends is alien to me. Instead, there will be meetings with my manager, Microsoft Excel, morning commutes to the office, and long walks after dinner. Maybe movies and books. The horizon of my life stretches, flickering and shifting before my eyes like a mirage. When I read Lord of the Flies two years ago, mirage was a recurring word that continually stuck out to me. I feel like Ralph lately, disillusioned, overwhelmed, confused by the senseless behavior and workings of human beings. 

My dad asked me what my dreams are when we were on the phone last month. I was wearing my pajamas and standing in the parking lot next to my apartment complex. I flustered and blustered a bit, feeling foolish all around. I don’t know, I flung back. All my life, the expectation was to get good grades, get into a good school, keep my head down and work hard. Now, it seems that hard work is futile when it comes to a career. And what is a good career to me anyways? The more time that passes, the more meaningless it all seems. Do I want it, or do I want people to see that I have it, I contemplate as I scroll on LinkedIn and tiredly upload my resume on Workday. When will it be good enough? When will I be good enough?

On the first day of my junior year in high school, my teacher asked us to go around and answer the question, “What do you want to do one day?” The typical answers ensued: be happy, own a dog, travel, etc. When my turn came, I said that I would like to write a book. Despite many things changing in my life, routines, relationships, phases, this has remained constant. I suppose I will fill my time this upcoming year and season of new beginnings with my favorite things. Reading, writing. No matter how many birthdays pass me by, I know this will never change. 

May 3, 2024