The Red Thread of Fate

The concept of soulmates has always fascinated me, probably from years of consuming hundreds of romance novels that I read throughout my young adult years to even now. I’m not sure where my love for romance and the idealization of a forever love came from, but even before I was a teen, I tore through the young adult shelf in the library. There were always stacks and stacks of the worn and well-loved hardcovers by the doorway of my home to push down the return chute by the library entrance next time we stopped by. I then moved onto Kindle books after my dad got me a used one, and eventually the Kindle app. Maybe he is to blame for fueling my addiction. Then I got my next hit through sketchy and potentially illegal means on the internet, though I will never admit to it in a court of law. My exposure to all kinds of soulmates, concepts of them, fictionalized tellings, has been high ever since I can remember. I still consider myself a romance connoisseur, though I will say I slowed down on my intake of that content significantly since my teenage years. 

Despite this deep seated desire to love and be loved, I'm not sure if I've ever truly believed that there is a person you are solely linked to or the existence of a spiritual tie to a single other person somewhere on this planet. I know some believe in reincarnation; The concept that your soulmate in every lifetime, dimension, universe is your soulmate in your current lifetime, that you just need to find them on this planet and there will be an instant click. It will feel like suddenly everything makes sense, like you've known the person forever upon meeting them. I don't know if it's because I am not a particularly spiritual person, or if it doesn't make logical sense in my pragmatic mind. Perhaps I am just a hater and it's as simple as that. However, I have never completely shut it out as a possibility, or variations of the idea that are not as strict in definition. Because despite the pain, disillusionment, frustration, logic of it all, I still am a self-diagnosed lover at heart.

To begin with my journey into fate and how it interconnects with love, I’ll start with my first moment of understanding the complexities of the topic. When I was in ninth grade, my freshman year of high school, I had to take an English course. Me being the overachiever I am (it runs through my veins at this point. Unpacking that would require a whole other essay), I took the one that was supposedly an advanced version of the standard college preparatory courses that my high school offered. There was a prompt for an in-class essay that I never thought I would need to unearth from the rest of the awkward cringe-y haze of high school. We had to write about whether or not we believed in love at first sight. This is not exactly regarding soulmates, but close enough to prove my point. I immediately rejected the possibility of its existence, and immediately planned to write with that stance in my argumentative essay. So without much thought, soul searching, or reflection, I wrote about my take on the subject, carefully constructing an outline for my essay and doing research online before drafting it during the class period. I found the topic fascinating and I presented my ideas to my dad over the dinner table, stating that despite all the accounts recorded of people claiming to have experienced the elusive and rare experience of falling head over heels for a person they had just seen or met, it was absolutely ludicrous. Of course you can’t “love” someone without getting to know them, despite the number of people "claiming" to have experienced it. He laughed and said, “Well, I see your points, but how do you argue with people who claim to have experienced it? It’s 'real' to them, whatever that means. By citing all these accounts, you’re arguing against your own point.” 

That moment humbled me so deeply at the ripe age of thirteen or fourteen, that I’ve never forgotten it. Since then, I can say that I am much more open minded to the idea of love at first sight, soulmates, whatever you want to call it, because he was right. If people say they've experienced it, we can shout, yell, argue, cry, debate, as much as we want, but it doesn't matter. If it's real to them, if it’s true that they've truly felt that experience of connecting on a soul-wrenching, base, visceral level with a person they've just met or got into a relationship, with no doubt in their minds that they’ve met their soulmate, who are we to say differently? Is that account or experience not direct evidence of its existence? Although I may have reservations or doubts because of a thing called “luck” I may be tempted to chalk their experiences all up to, I’m happy some experience it. As Lana del Ray and Bleachers' sing in her recent song called "Margaret," aptly named after Bleachers' fiancée: "When you know, you know."

I'd be lying if I never felt like I may have met my "soulmate." Very contradictory to my prior points, maybe I am not as pragmatic as I claim to be. Most people have romantic interests or the like early on before getting crushed by the reality of those feelings likely being a result of the lack of information about a person. Despite my deep feelings, I was never in deep enough to consider labeling such individuals in my life with that serious term. Because even in my inexperienced state and mind, I knew the implications of that title. It has an almost sacred quality in my mind, especially when I was so doubtful that it exists. But regardless of formal or imaginary labels, I can say that I have felt an irrational and wholly serious and visceral tie (real or not) to a person I barely knew. Who hasn’t imagined a future with a person who is honestly just ordinary at best? So why did I feel that way towards them? Are those irrational and uninformed feelings what one can consider love at first sight? Just “knowing?” Maybe if it had worked out, I could have called it just “knowing," that I knew deep down initially that he was the one. But isn’t this the case with any time one feels an intense attraction to a person? I've heard accounts of people getting married, stating that they "knew" even during their first date, that that was "it." I scoff a bit, obviously happy for them and their joy and hopefully happy future, but doesn't everyone feel that thread of hope within them when they're on a date with someone they really like, a deep corner of their mind whispering in their ear, "What if this is it?" Because in hindsight of all my shortsighted attractions and attachments, they were all fantasies I had constructed in my mind, imagining a scenario where that person fit perfectly like a piece in the puzzle of my life. Selfish, and sort of narcissistic, but I excuse it because I know that most everyone does it. I know these things now, with time and distance and experiences that better shaped my understanding of my past and emotional tendencies. Infatuation and fantasizing is a dangerous drug to any romantic such as myself.

Another take I had developed in recent years was believing that soulmates do exist if we are thinking about it in a quantitative sense. Think about it like this: Let's say you are a person with an attraction to people romantically (This interpretation applies to romantic interests and partners, but it can also apply to friends). And let's say there are billions of people in this state, country, hemisphere, planet, universe, that you could potentially date or "end up with." And maybe you date, and date, and date, and with each person you date or get into a relationship with, you are attempting to find a person you are adequately compatible with. Because isn't that what dating is about, if you have marriage or a long term partner in mind? You probably break up with the partners you aren't compatible with, and hopefully continue on to date increasingly compatible partners as you learn your preferences for a partner. Going back to the numbers part of this argument, out of the hundreds, millions, billions of potential partners, out of all of these options, there is a most optimal partner for you. There is la crème da le crème, the cream of the crop, that number one person you are going to be the absolute most compatible with, in every sense imaginable. Personality, life plans, hopes and dreams, etc. That’s your soulmate in this definition. But what are the chances of you meeting them, dating them? Maybe you can get close, statistically. If you quantify compatibility, you can end up with a person who is statistically very similar to that one person, that one "soulmate" who you would be the most happy with, theoretically. Theoretically, of course, not practically, because you can't necessarily quantify compatibility, happiness, and the like. But you get the picture. Soulmates do exist in that sense, but hardly anyone ever gets there, and most just get close enough to be happy. Which is perfectly fine as is. Many never even reach that level.  

But that's enough of my brushes with the topic throughout my very short life thus far. Throughout my years of accumulating knowledge on relationships and personal experience with love, what seemed to be love, hate, infatuation, crushes, imaginary scenarios, crushing heartbreak, disappointment, the whole nine yards, I have a new take on the subject. I now believe in the red thread of fate. The red thread of fate is a concept in Chinese folklore, with similar adaptations or variations or beliefs in other cultures or spaces. One can think of the invisible string from Jane Eyre as a Western equivalent. 

When I was in a difficult time in my life, facing rejection and things just not working out the way I wanted, I read about this and it changed my whole view on the situation. It states that the red thread of fate connects two people who are meant to be together, regardless of time, place, or circumstance. This tie between the two may stretch or tangle, but never break. Similar to the Western concept of soulmates but not equivalent in the definition I abide by. 

I believe in this concept much more readily than my perception of soulmates. This is because it has a connotation of "what's meant to be, will be." I find that feeling and idea to be much different because before, I thought soulmates were something you have to search for, or be lucky to find. That everyone has one, but not everyone finds their true soulmate. That they might be in New Jersey, or Antarctica, or Wyoming, or South Sudan, or Jakarta. Who's to say where they might be? Not everyone finds theirs. Good luck though. That was how I always thought soulmates worked, that unless you "feel" that tingle, that click, when you meet them or when you enter a relationship, you might be more compatible with someone, somewhere, far far away... It honestly felt hopeless, and stupid and it bred discontentment. But I can also say that it was mostly me projecting my frustrations of worrying that I will never feel content with the person I may end up with, because there will always be "better" out there. And oftentimes, time's a ticking factor, you can't spend your entire life searching for that "click." Realistically, anyhow. If you choose to do so, that's fine by me and I respect that. 

But back to the red thread of fate. I interpret it as the fabric of your life being written out for you once you exist in this world, planet, dimension. Not in the free will sense, because that's another can of worms. I believe that in the fabric and holistic timeline of your life, if you are to end up with a person, once you take a step back when it's all over, once you see the whole picture, you were always going to end up with them. All your actions and steps led you to them. And that makes sense, logically. To me anyway. The fact of the matter is that you ended up with them. Even if you could've done things differently and ended up with someone else, what actually happened is that you ended up with that person. It cuts out the what-ifs. Hopefully you are happy with them and end up with them for a reason, not to be divorced or separated, but together until the end. The term soulmate may be inappropriate, perhaps they can more aptly be called the love of your life. Not a soulmate that's yours in a spiritual sense, but the primary love of your life that is mutual for a reason, and hopefully flourishes into a relationship that is filled with joy and love.

It is sort of a facet of the mantra and way of living and viewing life that I have adopted, and it goes like this: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdoms always to tell the difference.” I use this saying as my phone wallpaper sometimes, I have it taped up on my desktop. It’s so very special to me, and has helped me through my urges to be in control of things that are ultimately in no one’s control, let alone mine. Sometimes the cookie crumbles and all we can do is watch. My overachieving personality hates to see it. But I don’t have a choice. So it helps to remind myself that I can’t always do things differently to prevent certain things from occurring, that not everything makes sense, that most times, I just have to try my best given the circumstances. And in this case, the circumstances are a romantic relationship or situation not working out in my favor, and having peace with that. Knowing that if it was going to work out, it would’ve, and that if it will be rekindled in the future, there is no need to force it. There is a red thread connecting me and the person I am meant to be with, that can never be tampered with, which is somewhat freeing to think about. 

What matters in this theory is the end of the day. Not the meanwhile, that can be filled with agony and wondering and questioning. No matter the history of a person, the breakups or the lack thereof, the hurt, the exes, the geographical factors, and the rest of it, you are going to end up with that person you share a string with at the end of the day. And that's a beautiful thing. That's the red thread of fate. You are tied to the person you are meant to be with, by a red thread. It will tangle, with crushes, transitory relationships, long-term relationships, ex-partners, ex-fiancées, ex-spouses. It will stretch, with geography, moves, and different schools, jobs, homes, and paths. But all roads will eventually converge and you will meet. It will happen. Maybe it won't take long to realize that the thread is there, and maybe it will take years, decades, even longer. Maybe there is no thread at all. There is nothing inherently spiritual about it, no invisible forces, unless you want to think about it with that lens, but it isn't necessary. If it doesn’t work out with your past, current, or future partner, the thread is simply leading you to the true love of your life, which will come later. And if you separate from a person, and reconnect later, the thread is just stretching. Whatever is meant to be, will be. Having peace with the things you cannot change, having peace with the universe and the logic that the person you end up with will come; There is little point in hurting over the person you thought you shared a thread with, because the thread was never there to begin with. The value that comes from it only comes from growing from the experience of love and heartbreak, those experiences and what you learn from them further lead you down the path to the person you will ultimately end up with. 

Ultimately, anyone I split up with permanently was never mine to begin with. The thread wasn't there to connect us. It's no one's fault. With time, my red thread of fate will lead me to my soulmate. 

Nov. 14, 2023