The Job Search

 I’m addicted to searching for a job. Let me explain. 

Securing a job upon my graduation this year has consumed my mind. I woke up on my friends couch after a sleepover and immediately opened LinkedIn to surf open job postings that have 800+ applicants already. I try to find that homemade pumpkin spice latte recipe in my saved Instagram posts, hidden in the masses of saved job application tips I’ve saved. I can’t stop watching and saving them, so they keep recommending more to me. Tips for getting an interview. Dos and Don'ts of resumes. Lesser known Job Board sites. Questions to impress your interviewer. Sleepless nights in bed are spent blearily scrolling through open job postings and screenshotting the ones I'm interested in but never look at again, glancing over at the time in the upper left corner and wondering where the past hour went. What was the point of taking a melatonin if the fear of never succeeding in my career will keep me up anyways? Is success a LinkedIn post announcing (humble bragging) about your accomplishment (luck) in your career (a means of paying your rent)?

I open my Mail app the moment I wake up from uneasy dreams, ignoring the notifications on my home screen in favor of scrolling through the mass of Job Alerts sent to my inbox throughout the night in hopes of finding just one email invitation to interview with a company. 30+ new positions! Top job picks for you. Actively recruiting. Easy Apply. Fiona, apply to your saved jobs. 40+ new jobs match your preferences. Apply Now. We think you’re a great fit. Fiona, your job alert has been created. Don’t forget to apply for the job you saved 5 days ago. See 10 jobs similar to the one you recently viewed. I click the switch to make a new job alert for every company I stalk, just in case another entry level job is created when I’m not looking. I think to myself that even if they don't post a job, the sight of it in my inbox will remind me to continue the search. Yes, I’d like to join the talent network. Yes, please email me with potential jobs in your company. 

I sit in my English class as they analyze Charlotte Smith’s "Beachy Head," ignoring the professor and girl beside me discussing the themes of science and nature in the piece as I make a Glassdoor account. I’m collecting job posting site accounts like stamps, let alone career sites. I copy and paste the verification code and click create. Upload my profile photo and resume to my profile. I click a job posting and enter my name, email, address, education, over and over and over and over again. Copy and paste another verification code to make another account for another career site. No, I don’t have a referral. No, I do not have family members who work at this company. No, I am not a veteran. I check how many LinkedIn followers a company has before spending my precious time applying, not that I’m in a position to be doing so. I check my email for messages from recruiters as I walk from class to class, instinctively. Just give me a chance. Just one interview. Just one good one. 

I scrutinize my resume, swap company names on my cover letters, remove a word from my resume, fix the formatting, add a word. Make copies of my resume and cover letter to tailor for each company. I wade through the sea of cover letters in my storage before finding a suitable one to make a copy of. Some listings and positions require the same buzz words. I scour job descriptions for key words to paste into my resume, wondering if someone even reads them, if they’ll notice the copy and pasted phrases in the lines of my qualifications. I’m not lying, just rewording. I just need to get past screening. I can impress during a behavioral. Not sure about a technical, but I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. The message I sent to a company employee in hopes of networking my way past screening sits unread in their inbox. My blazer sits unused in my closet, hanging by the crewnecks I grab each day for class. I swipe sunscreen onto my cheeks and run out the door, forgetting to put on the headphones I brought for the commute in favor of checking my email. I’ve tried everything. Maybe I should get a certification. Maybe I should’ve tried harder in that one class. Maybe I should join another club. Maybe I should message that employee. I need to send in more applications. It’s a numbers game. I just need one chance. 

I want to give up sometimes, but then I think of the work my immigrant parents put into giving me the best education and environment, the arguments, the disappointment, the frustration, the hours spent at my desk, suffering to create a better future for myself. All that work from my childhood to prepare myself to excel in high school, to the sleepless nights in high school to ace test after test, to crack open textbook after textbook, to do extracurriculars to make myself well rounded. Then it was time to apply to college. I listed my name, address, activity after activity, wrote application essays, got them reviewed by my teachers, family members. I got into college. I networked, joined clubs, spent more sleepless nights sweating over finals, stared at the class slides on my desktop screen at 3 AM in hopes of understanding one more class concept, got back from that one college party to sit down at my desk and finish that homework assignment, interned for no pay, then interned for college credit, then interned for some pay. I am qualified. I know I am. I just need someone to notice. To give me a chance. So I sit down to apply for just one more. 

Oct. 10, 2023