Rising to the Occasion

I realize how privileged I am to be concerned with these matters when I am safe, comfortable and free. maybe it is a fatal flaw to fall victim to such semantics. 

While leaving a boba shop after a long day of cramming for a midterm, my friend turned to me and said in a completely serious voice, “It feels like I am just surviving.” I also often find myself wondering what motivates me as I trudge through the motions of my existence. There has to be a better way.

When my nose is not in a book, I am not with loved ones, and especially when I am entrapped in a circle of academic hell that must impress Dante, I have to face the prospect of deciding on what I will do with the rest of my life. Most career prospects seem less than fulfilling; I idly wonder if my destiny is to become another cog in the machine. My feeling of hopelessness is amplified when I'm faced with numbers and concepts that all feel quite meaningless in my studies. As I sit in front of my notes and symbols on the screen, I futilely hope for something to click, for passion or motivation to kick in, anything. More often than not, nothing comes and I lean back to close my eyes for a moment of respite, wishing I were reading a book where everything is up for interpretation and the words mingle together beautifully in my mind.

In my search for contentment and meaning in this life that feels like one long run-on sentence, I wonder what exactly I am here for, grasping desperately for straws. All the recurring lines from self-help books and videos blur in my mind, “Work to live, don’t live to work”, “Do not rely on others or your circumstances for happiness,” and my favorite, “Happiness is a choice.” But it's all easier said than done, I fold when faced with the motions of the real world, the endless stream of decisions, disappointments, disagreements. Moments of pleasure are not enough. Reaping the benefits of my hard work is not enough. Should I turn to philanthropy? Must there be a reason, to keep going? Would finding out be the key to happiness, or are we destined to constantly be searching for the grass that is greener on the other side? Is life all just one long test of endurance?

I rationalize it all by reminding myself that there has to be answers to these questions, or why else would the human race have lasted this long. I have no choice but to rise to the occasion that is existence. So I keep moving forward.

Nov. 17, 2022