Alone in October

I smile when my dad sends me pictures of used books while I’m away at college to offer to pick something up for me, despite him laughing at the amount of books overflowing from my bookshelf. It’s a wonderful feeling to be loved and understood. 

It is now October, and with changing seasons come changes in my life; I’ve been growing up. It’s difficult to contend with differences in my routine, lifestyle, and attitude towards this life. Independence and being alone isn’t so bad though. I wipe tears as I cut onions for a meal for one, call old and new friends, grasp my whistle anxiously when I walk alone at night and wonder what is a reasonable amount to tip for a solo Uber ride to a night out with friends. While the familiarity and comfort of home is nice, there is something distinctly exhilarating about being exactly whoever you want to be, whenever and however you want.

I now relish sitting at my kitchen table alone with my thoughts, the strips of sunlight peeking through slats of plastic blinds, nursing my apricot preserves on toast, and thinking about how much I like my own company. And the company of people I love. And how much I love to laugh and love and feel loved. How freedom to enjoy these moments whenever I want is a blessing in its own. I still hate the world sometimes. But I refuse to allow moments of ugliness to control me and the way I go about my life. So I close my eyes and lean against the shower wall as I absorb the feeling of the spray of the water and morning sunlight through hazy glass. I sigh as the sun relentlessly beats down upon me as I walk to lecture, groan at my school work, and sometimes wonder in the words of Jack Kerouac, “In God’s name and under the stars, what for?” But despite these moments of hesitation, which is all they are, I know life is good.

Oct. 1, 2022