A Life No Longer Mine

I find myself yearning for those drowsy summer days that linger in the back of my subconsciousness as my current college term picks up speed and I face back to back midterms as well as endless fun social commitments I can't bring myself to turn down. It’s easy and romantic to idealize a life that is no longer mine, to forget about those split seconds I laid in bed with my heart aching just before slipping into a sleep disturbed by confusing dreams, the pounding of my heart matching my footsteps as I went on runs to escape the thoughts that chased me, and the days of terrible encasing heat. 

Currently, life could not be better, and I also feel disillusioned and stressed. But both feelings can co-exist peacefully, having bad days and anxieties doesn't equate to ungratefulness. The line, “you don't need to be pleased in order to be happy” by Sylvia Boorstein comforts me when I need to take a step back and breathe. I remind myself that I do not have to fall into the same mental traps I used to, that I know better than to categorize lingering on past and even current hurts and self-inflicted unnecessary suffering as noble. When I need that extra push to keep my head up and keep going, I remember the feeling of my mom brushing my hair back and telling me to be brave. 

Oct. 28, 2022